What is Jealousy and How do I Handle it?

May 3

Jealousy can come from a place of not feeling safe or secure in a relationship.

It may come from a past experience that wasn’t positive for you or maybe it is signaling that your boundaries are being crossed.

To be jealous is an attitude or a feeling of vigilance. Sometimes there is even shame involved when experiencing jealousy. Now, how can we understand jealousy better? Feelings of jealousy can manifest when your body is remembering something familiar that once challenged your security or emotional safety. Jealousy in a relationship can come from possessiveness, an anxious attachment style, interdependence, a feeling of relationship inadequacy, low self-esteem, or confusion about one’s own thoughts. In some circumstances, jealousy can occur in a healthy way. In fact, jealousy can be healthy as long as the behavior that follows is one you feel in control of! Jealousy is a topic that people get nervous to talk about because they don’t want to be perceived as possessive or controlling.

It’s important to know that some level of jealousy is normal and the most important thing is to assess where it is coming from and then also how you are handling your behavior when the jealousy arises. When you can understand where it is coming from you can decide if you need to have a conversation about it with your partner or loved one. You may also decide that it is something you need to independently work on if you recognize that it is a past trauma wound being reactivated.

Blog Takeaways:

Trace the jealousy back to its source
Voice your concerns to your loved one after you have had some time to process where this feeling is coming from. Make sure that this comes from a place of “I feel X when this happens”. If you recognize it reminds you of a past relationship, definitely name the elephant in the room without blaming your loved one. If it has to do with your loved one see what type of compromise would be realistic for each of you.
Utilize healthy coping skills to help de-escalate the feeling you are having and help you look at it both rationally and emotionally. Not just emotionally
Get support from someone you trust or process it in therapy
Some coping skills: 1- learning to utilize box breathing or deep breathing to calm down your central nervous system 2- journaling to give yourself some space to dig deeper 3- look at the times in your relationship that you have felt secure to help see the bigger picture.